Paul Levy writes in Slate today about his decision to “opt out of the macho food-writing movement.”
Great! That means there’s a spot open, so I’m opting in. No more vegetable bullshit for me. Only real man food. Here’s what I have penciled in for the few days.
**Thursday:** Leave Iris in the care of my rottweiler while I slaughter an 800-pound wild boar with my bare hands and turn it into the finest charcuterie. Feed the head cheese to Iris and the dog for snack. Use any leftovers to win the Salumi Salami Challenge.
**Friday:** Take Iris to school, fireman-carry style, with three links of blood sausage in her lunch. Then head to Metropolitan Grill to trail in the kitchen, cutting steaks. Accidentally sever thumb. Grill thumb to perfection and serve it to the chef, flipping him the (unsevered) bird as I pack my knives and go. Pick up Iris after school.
**Saturday and Sunday:** The weekend! Enjoy continuous beer and fellatio.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! my eyes!
Sorry, I should have put one of those Parental Advisory stickers on this post. (So more people would read it.)
I always appreciate your referential post titles, but “The weekend! Enjoy continuous beer and fellatio” made me laugh harder than I have all day. Thank you.
Agreed – I LOLed at work and then couldn’t explain myself without saying “fellatio” out loud… at work.
Then my work here is done.
doesn’t the word “continuous” always, always look misspelled? it just does.
kudos on working two forms of sausage into this post. one of which was imaginary; one, euphemistical.
I count three.
Ditto to what Cranky Kate said. Except that I am one of those weird silent-laughers, so my co-workers had no idea that I was shaking in my chair.
I think the fellatio part is the most important. But it’s not just for the weekend, you know…
I wonder if this post lured enough new readers to replace the ones it drove off.
I’m still here, as a reader, and laughing hard.
This was the first post I’ve read on ur blog, thanks for the laugh
Four, if you count the thumb as a sort of self-cased sausage.