After calling the ramps “a scary treat,” Iris went ahead and ate two of them anyway and pronounced them “salty and good.” I ate several, and I now smell like I’ve been out playing paintball with heads of roasted garlic. This will probably last for days.

I roasted them on a sheet pan, interspersed with spears of asparagus, and the best part wasn’t even the ramps–it was the asparagus that took on the flavor of slightly charred ramp leaves. This got me thinking about other ramp leaf possibilities: could you slip them under the skin of a roast chicken, for example? Wrap a steamed or roasted piece of fish? I want to hear about your ramp victories, even if only on the paintball field.

So, about that t-shirt contest…

I’ve received zero entries. Apparently a bag of goodies is insufficient compensation for today’s pampered generation of graphic designers. Therefore, I will take my case to the professionals, and I will come bearing a bag of the kind of goodies with Ben Franklin’s face on them. It was worth a shot!

For those of you seeking the sauce formerly known as Five Brothers, they’ve changed it again.

The product is now called Bertolli Vineyard Premium Collections: Marinara with Burgundy Wine. The label is now purple. But I am assured: “New look! Same great taste.”

Next year it will be Bertolli Romanée-Conti Grand Cru Burgundy Wine Sugo di San Marzano Tomato Gravy.

My [Culinate](http://www.culinate.com/) column this week is about kitchen scales:

[Weighing In](http://www.culinate.com/read/bacon/scales)

*But if you love to cook, kitchen scales are downright exciting, and I’ll try to demonstrate this without resorting again to cheap sexual innuendo.*

Sorry for the lull. I’m at a professional conference. One of the speakers today was a TV producer whose network, Turner South (now SportSouth), aired a show about flea markets. (I googled and can’t figure out whether it’s still on.) The show was called Junkin’.

This was pretty much the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard, and so far today I’ve said “Junkin'” approximately six hundred times. Like I said, I have no idea whether the show is still on, but I assume it must be. How could it fail? According to one of the hosts, writing on IMDB:

> Junkin’ is a show where I (Val Myers) travel to the south to meet up with my friend Dave Bird. We drive around in his El Camino (The General Flea) and go to flea markets and Yard Sales in the south. We buy “junk” hence the name, then we put the junk on ebay and see what happens. The people we meet are super interesting and the junk is endless in it’s variety. Funny things happen, we meet funny people and we laugh at junk.

“We laugh at junk” pretty much sums up my philosophy of life. In fact, _Junkin’_ is going to be so popular, soon all TV shows will end in _in’_.

In addition to professional _boxin’_, there will be a kickboxing show called _Kickin’_. A home repair show called _Fixin’_. The Nashville Network will carry _Pickin’_.

I will host a Food Network show about America’s favorite protein. It will be called _Chicken’_.

The future: it’ll be rockin’!