Today I was walking downtown and passed Tom Douglas’s new pizza place, Serious Pie, which I hadn’t even realized was open yet. When I say I passed it, I mean I went in and had a pizza. It was clam, pancetta, and lemon thyme, and it was very good, albeit very salty. It’s an expensive place, but when it comes to pizza, my philosophy is based on James Marshall’s.

James Marshall is the author of Yummers, a children’s book about a pig who eats too much, and one of Iris’s favorites. At one point in the book, Emily Pig eats three desserts at a soda fountain run by an octopus. That has nothing to do with the pizza; I just wanted to say “a soda fountain run by an octopus.” The relevant part of _Yummers_ is:

> While Eugene was waiting in line, Emily discovered the free pizza. “It’s so important to sample new products,” she said.

The pizza is served by a moose. The pizza at Serious Pie was not served by a moose, but when I got my bill, I noticed it said:

> Server: Chimpy

Serious Pie is at 4th and Virginia. The other pizzas available today were mozzarella and tomato; potato and rosemary; mushrooms and truffle cheese; peppers and sausage; and anchovy, olive, and tomato relish.

One of my favorite cookies is the carmelita, a 1968 Pillsbury Bake Off winner. I usually get them at Whole Foods, but the quality control isn’t great. I’ve often been known to fault them for poor structural integrity.

So, sometimes when Kraft caramels go on sale, I make carmelitas at home. The problem is, when you bring home a bag of Kraft caramels, you have to eat a few, and the usual recipe calls for a whole bag. Actually, the modern recipe calls for jarred caramel sauce, but my rule is that if you don’t put in the time unwrapping each caramel, you don’t deserve the carmelitas. Unless you get them at Whole Foods. You deserve everything at Whole Foods, because you’re awesome! I find loud music is best while unwrapping caramels.

Anyway, I was delighted to find a recipe on the net that calls for three-quarters of a bag of caramels. You can see how this recipe was developed. I made it, and the carmelitas were a little gooey, but there certainly weren’t any leftovers. Awesome!

**OATMEAL CARMELITA BARS**
Makes 16 bars

CRUST:
1 cup flour
1 cup quick cooking oats
1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
3/4 cup butter, melted

FILLING:
1 cup (6 oz.) chocolate chips
1/2 cup chopped pecans
3/4 bag caramels melted with 1/4 cup milk

Preheat oven to 350°F. Combine all ingredients for the crust. Stir well to form crumbs.
Place 1/2 of crumbs into the bottom of a 9-inch square pan. [*I used an 8-inch pan and it was fine.*] Bake for 10 minutes. Sprinkle with chocolate chips and pecans. Pour
caramel mix over chocolate pieces and pecans. Sprinkle with remaining
crumb mixture. Bake 15 to 20 minutes or until golden brown. Let cool 1 to 2
hours. Cut into 16 bars.

I will try any new flavor of corn chip, no matter how stupid. Black Pepper Jack? Sign me up. Dill Pickle? OK.

I’ll try these things *once.* It’s impressively rare for one of these new flavors to become a standard. I do remember when they introduced Cool Ranch. That was a fine day. Also Chili Cheese Fritos. That was an even better day, assuming you were stoned.

Long story short, I brought home a back of Blazing Buffalo and Ranch Doritos. (Why not just “Blazing Buffalo Ranch”?) I wasn’t expecting much. The Black Pepper Jack is pretty terrible. But these are great. It’s basically Cool Ranch, only spicy. If there were a ballot, I’d vote to keep them. But, then, I would have voted to keep many other things, like Hershey’s Cookies and Mint Nuggets, the Monorail, and Wonderfalls, so the powers that be obviously aren’t counting my vote. Therefore, grab these Buffalo-style chips while you can.

Labels for Locals is a new book about *demonyms.* Apparently, a demonym is the name given to the people from a certain place, like how people from Manchester are Mancunians. I didn’t think I would learn something important about my own state from the book, but…

> **Washington.** *Washingtonian.* … At the turn of the century and well into this century, the name *Clam Grabber* was used because of the fact that Washingtonians gather vast quantities of clams annually from the shallow waters of Puget Sound.

Okay, probably he’s talking about the turn of the 20th century, but next time someone asks where I’m from, I’ll say, “I’m a Clam Grabber.” When they say, “Huh?” I will pull some clams out of my knapsack to illustrate.

Actually, I guess they’ll know where I’m from as soon as they smell the clams.

Recently–and I know you’re not going to believe this–I had a bad customer service experience with the phone company. During the course of this, I had to wait on hold to speak to: The Loyalty Department. This is really what it was called.

I did get the problem resolved, but it made me realize that to your basic big company today, the word “loyalty” has come to mean “trying to force customers to stick with our product or store.”

That’s the idea behind supermarket loyalty cards: you flash your card every time, and you not only get the sale prices, but they tally all your spending at that store for special discounts down the line.

The usual critique of this practice is the privacy angle. As the sort of person who posts his family’s dinners on the web, I can’t say I honestly care who is tracking my supermarket spending. But I still hate loyalty cards, because they complicate what was a simple process. First, you have to make room for them in your wallet, and who among us can say that he has *extra* wallet space? Second, you have to fish around for the card, just to get the same sale price you used to get just because the universe loves you and wants you to save a dollar on milk. I’m ready to proceed to the part where they implant the loyalty chip in my head and scan it automatically as I approach the checkout.

So I was delighted to learn about a little tip that has made my shopping life easier. A couple weeks ago, I lost my QFC Advantage card, and around the same time I read somewhere (sadly, I forget where) that at the self-checkout lanes, you can use Safeway and QFC cards interchangeably. Sure enough–I haven’t bothered getting a new QFC card, because my Safeway card works fine. Presumably, every time I use it, it takes a photo of me, pastes “DISLOYAL” over it, and emails it to Kroger HQ.

This is no help at the regular checkout lanes–the swipe machine doesn’t accept the other store’s card. But you can punch in your phone number, or the made-up phone number you used when you got the card.

My wallet has never looked svelter.