Tough cookies
Paul Levy writes in Slate today about his decision to “opt out of the macho food-writing movement.”
Great! That means there’s a spot open, so I’m opting in. No more vegetable bullshit for me. Only real man food. Here’s what I have penciled in for the few days.
Thursday: Leave Iris in the care of my rottweiler while I slaughter an 800-pound wild boar with my bare hands and turn it into the finest charcuterie. Feed the head cheese to Iris and the dog for snack. Use any leftovers to win the Salumi Salami Challenge.
Friday: Take Iris to school, fireman-carry style, with three links of blood sausage in her lunch. Then head to Metropolitan Grill to trail in the kitchen, cutting steaks. Accidentally sever thumb. Grill thumb to perfection and serve it to the chef, flipping him the (unsevered) bird as I pack my knives and go. Pick up Iris after school.
Saturday and Sunday: The weekend! Enjoy continuous beer and fellatio.
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Comment by Anita
aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! my eyes!
Posted on September 19, 2007 at 10:33 am
Comment by mamster
Sorry, I should have put one of those Parental Advisory stickers on this post. (So more people would read it.)
Posted on September 19, 2007 at 10:41 am
Comment by swanner
I always appreciate your referential post titles, but “The weekend! Enjoy continuous beer and fellatio” made me laugh harder than I have all day. Thank you.
Posted on September 19, 2007 at 3:33 pm
Comment by Cranky Kate
Agreed - I LOLed at work and then couldn’t explain myself without saying “fellatio” out loud… at work.
Posted on September 19, 2007 at 8:23 pm
Comment by mamster
Then my work here is done.
Posted on September 19, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Comment by heather
doesn’t the word “continuous” always, always look misspelled? it just does.
kudos on working two forms of sausage into this post. one of which was imaginary; one, euphemistical.
Posted on September 19, 2007 at 9:27 pm
Comment by mamster
I count three.
Posted on September 20, 2007 at 6:14 am
Comment by Susann
Ditto to what Cranky Kate said. Except that I am one of those weird silent-laughers, so my co-workers had no idea that I was shaking in my chair.
Posted on September 20, 2007 at 6:24 am
Comment by Jenny
I think the fellatio part is the most important. But it’s not just for the weekend, you know…
Posted on September 22, 2007 at 7:34 pm
Comment by mamster
I wonder if this post lured enough new readers to replace the ones it drove off.
Posted on September 23, 2007 at 8:09 am
Comment by Tea
I’m still here, as a reader, and laughing hard.
Posted on September 24, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Comment by Josh Rosenberg
This was the first post I’ve read on ur blog, thanks for the laugh
Posted on September 25, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Comment by Anita
Four, if you count the thumb as a sort of self-cased sausage.
Posted on September 25, 2007 at 4:39 pm